Older and wiser?

A nudge from the wise woman within

At my Cardiff University writing class this morning, we wrote a piece on the theme of ‘older and wiser’.

I thought I was going to write about the joys of being able to shake off the masks other people want to you wear, of abandoning the need to be ‘presentable’ to other’s standards, and of finally being able to be yourself.

The inner voice that is in charge of what I write when I only have 20 minutes to write had other ideas! And if my inner voice wants me to write this for me, then it seems only fair that I should share it with you as well……

So, with the caveat that while I definitely feel older, I’m not always convinced I’m much wiser, here it is!

At the grand old age of 51, I have finally accepted that I am not young anymore. And discovered that I don’t want to be. While contemplating that I have lived more days than are still left to live can be a bit of a shock, it’s something of a wake up call for me to ask myself, “How do I want to live today? Am I living in a way that is true to who I am?”

And to actually pay attention to the answer.

If today was the last day of this wild and precious life I have been gifted, do I really want to spend it racking up more Netflix binge hours? No matter how utterly brilliant Breaking Bad might be, it’s not how I’d like to spend my last day.

No, if today was my last day, if I knew without doubt that I’d go to bed tonight ,and not wake up again tomorrow, I’d want to make today count. I’d want to fill it with things that matter to me. I’d want to tell my family and friends how much I love them. I’d need to hug my boys and tell them how proud I am to be their mother. I’d want to view the Rhondda one last time from the top of a long mountain walk. I’d like to clear some balsam, hug some trees and feed the birds. I’d want to write something of that long talked about memoir, even if for only 20 minutes.

No internet required.

Life is here for us to experience. Every elation, every joy, every heartbreak, disappointment, pain and devastating grief. They all add to life’s rich journey. And the more we numb ourselves to them with booze, drugs, shopping, social media, TV and so much more, the more we numb ourselves to the joys of life as well.

We think pain is a bad thing, to be avoided at all costs. But pain is information, it helps us know what we need, and what matters to us. The pain in my muscles and my mind told me how stressed, depressed and burned out I was. The heartbreak at the end of the relationship showed me how much he meant to me. The grief and deep loss told me how much I loved and still need her.

These are all vital things for us to know. 

But we run from the pain. And when we run from the pain, we run from the joy as well. 

If you told me that I would die tonight, but I still had time left to live today, it would be easy to fall into despair, to numb the pain, the fear and the regret, and waste the final hours of my life. I like to think I’d seize the chance to truly live for one last time.

But I can’t say that I am doing that now, even though I know that life can and will end on its own schedule. That the shadow that follows us all from the moment we breathe our hello to life will turn my light out when it's ready to, not when I say I’m done.

So hopefully, I’ll heed these words, and the advice of the part of me that is so very wise, and use the time I have left, however long that might be, to make sure I live every moment I have. To always make sure my friends and family know how much I love and value them. To leave my boys in no doubt how proud I am of them. To do what I can to leave the world a better place. To get to the top of as many mountains as I can. And to Write that Damn Memoir! My journey to belonging. My journey to me. My journey to life.

Over to you

What would you do if you only filled your life with the things that make life meaningful for you? I haven’t listed all mine here, but I know that there are still lots of things I do that definitely wouldn’t make that list! If you could create a life that only included the most valuable (to you) activities, what would they be? Share in the comments below!